A year to remember...

and a year to forget.

Someone once said "an optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." I guess that makes me a pessimist.

2008 was a vicious year for me almost from the very beginning. I had 10 stress free days and then Hell was unleashed. From January 10th until now, my life has been a roller coaster ride that I seemed to have no control over. I can't say that I'm even a tiny bit sad to see this year come to an end. This year I saw everything I believed in fall apart, leaving me wondering who in the world I was supposed to be on my own. I came to the realization that I couldn't just go back to who I was before and I had to move forward and figure out who I wanted to be now. So that's what I did. It's been an interesting trip getting here, but I think I've finally got it mostly figured out. A lot of bad things happened this year, but a lot of really great things happened as well; Some things, which i thought were really bad at the time, turned out to be good after all.

This year has definitely been a year of change for me... I got a "real job", got a new car, moved out, made some new friends and fixed some things with old ones. I've finally realized that sometimes people act like asses for a greater purpose... whether they realize it or not. I've also realized that sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

I've got a lot of hope for coming year, and I truly believe it's going to be a good one. Even if it's not, I've got friends to get me through it :) With that said... Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right.


"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day."
--Edith Lovejoy Pierce

I feel so ashamed

Have you ever had something happen or experienced something that just really makes you feel guilty for ever having complained about your life? Today I came face to face with a situation that made me feel so ashamed for having ever complained about anything about my life.

In general, I try not to complain about things, but I catch myself from time time. I guess we all do, really. I know that recently, I've complained about being "broke", but you know what... I'm not, not when you really look at the big picture.

Today I felt completely and utterly ashamed for ever making comments like that. I'm working with a family who's about to lose their home, have their electricity turned off, and get their car reposessed... all because they can't find a job. They're all trying, I can attest to that, but the economy is so terrible right now that no one is hiring. This is a common problem right now, and it leaves me wondering "what happens to these people when they lose everything they have"? I mean, where are they supposed to go and what are they supposed to do?

I guess I'm just feeling guilty because there's really nothing I can do to help them. The state can't pay their bills for them, but they can't get jobs either. I hate feeling helpless because I've got that "fix-it" mentality. It's hard to accept that I can't really save people, no matter how much I want to. Most of all I just feel like a selfish brat for ever having complained about my own life. I complain about my job, but at least I have one. I complain about the repairs that need to be made on my house, but I really shouldn't. In fact, I've got all the things I need in life, I've got a roof over my head, I've got food, I've got heat, and God knows I don't want for any clothes to wear.

I guess it just blows my mind that in this country, we're paying professional athletes millions of dollars to play a sport, yet we've got everyday civilians losing everything they've got. How in the world is that fair? And what in the world are we supposed to do about it?

Patience is a virtue

... unfortunately, it's one I don't posess.

Someone once said that “The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.” This is something I'm trying very hard to remember. Patience has never been one of my strong points, I'll be the first to admit that. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am an only child, and instant gratification was my best friend growing up. Unfortunately, the real world doesn't opperate the same way.

Things are going marvelously, and I think that's part of the problem. The fact that things are going so well is causing me a lot of anxiety. I've said this a million times, but I'll say it again. I'm not used to things going well these days, and a part of me still feels like I don't deserve it. I know that's silly and that I deserve to be happy just as much as the next person. I was watching a re-run of One Tree Hill earlier, and one of the characters said something that pretty much sums up my entire last year...
"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there…because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else-something that feels wrong, only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment you realize…you're happy."

I guess I'm just starting to feel impatient because I'm scared of losing this "happiness" so to speak. In some weird way I feel this compulsion to make things "official" in an attempt to stake a claim on the happiness, as if that will ensure that it'll stay around for at least a little while longer. Yet, at the same time, I know that I needn't rush things and that everything will happen on it's own accord. I know that I should really just enjoy the magic and anticipation of it all, it's just hard sometimes.

Amanda said something to me a few weeks ago, we were actually talking about other people, but regardless she said that she "doesn't believe that God grants you patience, but rather he presents you with the opportunity to be patient" and you "either take it or you don't". Perhaps this is God's way of allowing me to find patience on my own.

It's almost time... Finally!!

In exactly 2 hours.... I'll be at the Valarium getting ready to seen Taking Back Sunday!!!!!!!!!! Eeek! I'm so excited!

"Everyone in this place is a F***ing WHORE!!" and other priceless quotes heard within the DCS office

Oh, the joys of being a case manager for The Department of Children's services...

Yesterday was quite possibly the worst day in DCS history (or at least my history w/ DCS). I got lost and explored alternate destinations within Monroe County. Yesterday also involved some lovely experiences with a 6 year old from Hell. Yes, a 6 year old actually stated (about DCS) "Everyone in here is a f****ing WHORE!!". It's really a story that needs to be told in person, so I'll save it for the next time I see your lovely faces :)

Anyway, other phrases heard frequently at the DCS office (either said by employees or parents/children)....

"I need a bomb!"--Amanda/me
"Incorrect Username/Password my ASS!!"--Amanda
"I f***ing HATE TnKids!"--Every employee here
"I quit!"--Every employee here
"Jesus Christ, by the end of a 2 hour meeting I better be getting my f***ing kids back"--a parent actually said this to me.... and I laughed (bad plan)
"It's your fault I can't get a job, you schedule too many meetings"--same parent as above also made this statement. It's important to note that I've only scheduled 2 meetings in THREE MONTHS!

and of course, there's the "collective sigh/scream" everytime our computer systems go down, which inevitably happens as you go to save the Permanency plan you've been typing for 2 hours, and though it was saved previously, it still manages to lose the whole document.

God, I love my job! :)

This is why you should never name your pet after a bar...

I'm proud to present (ok, not so proud, but I'm presenting it anyway) my absolutely insane kitten. Watch now as he does his best to fight the singing/dancing snowman. I'm telling you, there's something terribly wrong with this cat. Hopefully this video works this time.

Sometimes... you just can't fix stupid

At work, I deal with a lot of ignorant people. There's a lot of things I can fix... but I just can't fix stupid. In honor of stupidity everywhere, I'd like to present a video....

do you love me?

Love games?
Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me?
I just wanna know what to do 'cause I need your love a lot
Oh come on now
Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me?
I just wanna know what to do 'cause I need your love a lot
Oh come on now
Moving too fast, this isn't a race ooh
Baby back off and lower the pace now
Slow it down, and give me some space, mmmh
Moving too fast, this isn't a race. ah ah
*funky music insert*
Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me?
I just wanna know what to do 'cause I need your love a lot
Oh come on now
Moving too fast this isn't a race ooooh
Will you back off and lower the pace now?
Slow it down, and give me some place.
Moving too fast this isn't a race.
I'm Old Gregg
I know I think you said
Come on don't make me beg now
'cause I'm not your regular guy
don't be shy
do you love me?

smitten kitten

I'm so absolutely smitten it's not even funny. This has bad new bears (or good news bears, depending on how you look at it) written all over it. :p I'm also going out with said boy who has me smitten again tomorrow night :) *squeak*

I need a bomb

Ok... seriously. Gmail freakin BLOWS today. All I want to do is send these damn pictures, in an email. I don't think this is really asking too much of an email program. I've tried emailing the individual files, I've tried zipping the files, I've tried standing on my head and singing while trying to email said files... but NOOOOOO. Well you know what Gmail? Fuck you and the horse that brought you here. "Oops a server error occurred and your email was not sent" Huff!

Let's make this night last forever and ever and ever...

So, I had a very wonderful date tonight. I'm very excited, but trying not to get my hopes up too much. Seriously, this guys seems almost too good to be true... he opens car doors, pulls out chairs, tells me I look amazing, shares the same views on religion and politics, and talks just as much as me. For the first time in my life I made it through a first date without any akward silences or anything. We even opted out of a movie to go to starbucks and talk some more. I'm fairly certain that we'll go out again, and that's something I'm definitely going to be looking forward to. If things continue to go the way they did tonight, then I'm in GREAT shape :) Keep your fingers crossed!!

All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream.

Ok... I had two very odd dreams last night. I don't even begin to know how to intrepret them. The first dream I only remember bits and pieces of, the second one I remember almost all of it.

Dream 1:
I was at my house, only it didn't look like my house at all. I had invited a few people over, but somehow, a TON of people showed up... people I didn't even really know. So in the upstairs of my house, there's this huge game room... I've got 3 pool tables, an air hockey table, and some random arcade machines. Originally, I had invited Jaycen over for this get together... but then somehow, Chris showed up too. So, I start thinking how this is bad news bears, because they both can't be at the same place at the same time. So, I'm trying so hard to keep them in separate rooms (because, that always work, right haha). Anyway, so I'm going back and forth between rooms, spending time with both of them, but after a while I really just want Jaycen to leave because he's getting on my nerves. Inevitably, this party gets waaaayyy out of control and i'm trying to get everything calmed down and some random girl I've never seen tries to start a fight with me. I go inside and sit on the couch to try to calm down for a few minutes before I try to get Jaycen to leave... then I randomly start levitating off the couch. Obviously I freak out. A whole lot of stuff that I can't remember happens, and then the next thing I can clearly recall is that i'm on a ladder trying to get something out of the attic and the ladder tips over with me on it... then I woke up. WTF?!?

Dream 2:
For some reason, I'm having to go back to high school and take a years worth of classes. So, they send me to halls high school. Meggan, John, Amanda, and some random guys I've never seen before are all there. I ride to school with Meggan and we get there, and Jason smith is there, going to school too. Well, I'm really confused because I don't have a schedule or anything and I'm really not sure why I'm there in the first place. I don't know my way around Halls at all, and Meggan just leaves me so she can make it to her class on time. Finally, after wandering around, I find a table with some old ladies who have my schedule. They had it to me, and it's soggy, like they'd dipped it in a bucket of water. All they while, i'm complaining to them that I don't really need to be here because I already have a bachelor's degree from UT. They laugh and say "oh, well, if you're so smart, you shouldn't have a problem at all!" I get pissed and walk away. The first class on my schedule is a fire safety class... and it's scheduled 3 times in a row. So I go to the class and sit there, still really confused. I make it through the class and I start looking at the rest of my schedule... they've got me scheduled for French, and for a random history class. I'm pissed at this point, because I already took spanish and I'm determined that I am NOT going to take French as well. So, fire safety starts for the second time, and Jason Smith is in this class with me...the day just keeps getting worse. So he's being a jack-ass, of course, because why would I expect anything else. Eventually, I get pissed off enough to fight back, and we both get in trouble. Finally this class ends, and I run out to find Amanda. We go eat lunch and she and I are both complaining because we shouldn't have to come back to high school after completing college. We decide to go talk to the Principle about it. We throw a fit, and end up getting expelled, thus delaying our inevitable years worth of classes even longer. They tell us that she and I will both have to return next year to complete the classes and until we do so, we can't work. Then they take our car keys away from us. I woke up then thinking "what in the HELL just happened?!?"


Any fun interpretations for me?

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.

So... I'm happy. There, I said it. It's been a long long time since I've been genuinely happy, and it scares me. In fact, just the thought that I said "i'm happy" out loud scares the hell out of me. I'm not very good at this whole being happy thing. Well, I mean, I obviously know how to be happy, it's just that I'm always afraid that something is lurking around the corner, ready to jump out and snatch that happiness away from me. It's an interesting predicament to be happy yet afraid that you're going to lose said happiness at the same time. It just seems like for the last year or so, everytime I get close to being happy, it's like something out there in the universe says "oh no, christy's about to be happy.. better get her". I know that sounds stupid, I've just had a really long string of bad luck this year and it's kind of hard to just sit back and think that maybe, just maybe, the bad luck has come to an end.

It's not just one thing that's made me all of a sudden "happy", in fact, it's not really anything at all. I've just finally gotten to that point where things are starting to fall into place. The house is mostly presentable now, I sort of know what I'm doing at work now, there's a few prospects in the dating world, I've got a great group of friends who mean the world to me, and finally finally finally he who shall remain nameless doesn't matter anymore. I've worked so hard to get to this point... is it silly that I'm worried it might all come crashing down again? Is this a fear that will ever really go away?

It's times like this when I feel truly helpless...

My friend John's father passed away yesterday after a long battle with Cancer. Coping with the death of a loved one is a difficult challenge at any time, but it's increasingly difficult during the holidays. I'm struggling because I'm not sure how to help him. On one hand, I know that there's really nothing I can do for him, but on the other hand, I want so desperately to take away the pain that he's feeling. I guess just keep John, his mother, and brother in your thoughts and prayers.

Music is what feelings sound like

I was very excited to see that you can now upload a playlist as a widget on Blogger. I love music, so obviously there's a ton of stuff on there. Check it out, there's some of my favorite songs from some of my favorite artists and bands. Hope you enjoy! Perhaps you'll add your own playlist to your blog :) yay for music!!

Vampires never hurt anyone...

I'm not sure how I'd managed to miss out on this video until now... but what more could a girl possible want out of life than a rock star vampire wearing eye liner?

Son of a...

It's officially Christmas time. I had my first kid overdose today. They always start pulling out the crazy around Christmas. Well... off to the hospital I go.

A little something to help my day pass by quicker... and perhaps your's too.

Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people.

1. Thank you for telling the truth, even when I didn’t want to hear it.
2. You were wrong… about everything—them, me, us, and lots of other thing.
3. Thank you for making me laugh.
4. I’m sorry
5. We worked so hard to be friends again and you just threw it all away. Don’t bother asking for another chance.
6. Do you ever actually know what you’re talking about?
7. I’m so tired of fixing your screw-ups.
8. I don’t know what to say to you anymore.
9. I could be the best thing that ever happened to you, if you'd let me.
10. What’s with the flakiness?


Nine things about myself.

1. I LOVE music
2. I believe things find you when you need them to find you… and for me, it’s usually song lyrics.
3. I've made a lot of mistakes
4. I’m perpetually late… to everything
5. I like to just randomly drive around and think
6. I procrastinate… alot
7. I love llamas… but I’m not sure why.
8. I hate for someone to be mad at me.
9. I can fake a British accent all day long.

Eight ways to win my heart.

1. Kiss me deeply.
2. Make me laugh… often
3. Hug me… often
4. Surprise me.
5. Never lie.
6. Tell me your secrets and be interested in mine.
7. Dance with me.
8. Just love me.


Seven things that cross my mind a lot.

1. I need a day off.
2. I need a nap
3. Where did I put my keys?
4. Is this cat inbred?
5. Why is it that the more ignorant you are, the faster you reproduce?
6. What if the hokey pokey really is what it’s all about?
7. I'm hungry.

Six things I wish I never did.

1. Let him have control
2. Wasted so much time
3. Believed it was my fault
4. Spent so much money
5. Believed lies
6. Waited so long.

Five turn-offs.

1. No humor
2. Lack of self-confidence
3. Arrogance
4. Stupidity/Ignorance.
5. Inability to communicate.


Four turn-ons.

1. Dark hair with blue or green eyes
2. Romance
3. Smile.
4. Sincerity/Honesty

Three smiley's that describe your life.

1. :-)
2. :-/
3. ;-)


Two things you want to do before you die.

1. Travel the world.
2. Be happy.

One confession.

1. A part of me will always love you, but I can never think of you the same way ever again.

Eeeek!

So... I'm totally pumped and I'm getting soooooo excited. "Why?" you might ask. Well, the answer is simple... My friends I'm going to see Taking Back Sunday in exactly 15 days. I'm so excited I can barely breathe. TBS also recently released some information about their upcoming album which will be called "New Again". I just checked the bands blog on Myspace, and thus far, this is they've said about it...
we are also listening to the mixes of the NEW AGAIN songs and they sound frickin great.

when you hear it-

youre gonna lose it.

youre gonna get that feeling that makes you want to steal a car and drive it to mexico where you start a new life, a better life, one where you can be free and more human and listen to music as loud as you want and eat fish tacos until the sun sets, maybe meet a nice mexican boy or girl and start a family of rebels that grows and grows until youre a huge unstoppable force that finally sets this world ablaze...VIVA LA REVOLUCION, VIVA LA REVOLUCION!!!

Putting my heart back together

I feel really good today... still hopeful. A very different hopeful than I was 6 months ago, and that my friends, is a wonderful feeling :)

Lazy Bum... living the "ife"

So I definitely skipped out on work today. I just didn't feel like dealing with it. I had a headache, so I called in. Real nice, huh? I didn't have a whole lot to do today. I got everything on my to do list done yesterday, so it's not like it's a big deal. I guess I should have more motivation than that though. It's nice to have a little break from time to time though. Especially since this month is so chaotic. I had lunch with Kate today though, which was nice. She's really worried about her health. She's got a big Doctor's appointment tomorrow, and she's really nervous. I wish there was something I could have said or done to make her feel better, but I know there's nothing i can do. On the plus side, she's starting to come around to my point of view regarding some of my very best friends... so that's nice. Maybe everyone really can get along eventually... well, almost everyone. It looks like Daniel has joined Team Jason on this one, but that's ok. I understand he has to draw his loyalties somewhere, and I respect that. I just think it's all silly to begin with.

I'm thinking about changing my kitten's name to something menacing and vampire-esque because he's definitely evil, and he's definitely a biter. I have holes in my hands and arms, and that my friends, is not a pleasant feeling.

I love quotations... in fact, I may post some of my favorites later today. I don't know, I just think they can be comforting sometimes, sometimes even inspiring.

I realize I'm rambling now, so I guess that means I'm out of interesting things to say. Perhaps I'll post some quotes later.

:-)

I'm holding my breath and smiling all at the same time. There's nothing to get excited about yet.... but I'm hopeful. I've got a good feeling, I just hope I'm not wrong. :)