Beautiful Disaster

You can't cross a bridge you've burned

2010-05-12T11:45:00.003-04:00

I'm so tired of being stabbed in the back. I'm tired of helping people get what they want, only to find that once they've obtained it, they forget who helped them get there. I'm tired of doing things for others, only to find that when I need help with something, they're no where to be found. Most importantly, I'm tired of forgiving people for hurting me over and over again. I'm done. You can't cross a bridge that you've burned, and I'm done reconstructing bridges. These people are going to look up one day and realize that they're all alone, with no one to blame but themselves... but they needn't bother calling out to me because I'll be long gone by then.

A very simple truth...

2010-04-21T21:39:00.000-04:00

People will always find ways to show you who they really are. It's up to you to decide if you want to see it.

Living Pinocchios

2010-04-11T22:34:00.002-04:00

It seems that no one is really who you thought they were. I guess I've known that all along, I just wish it didn't hurt so much to truly find out. It appears that we live in a generation where no one is genuine anymore. People only show you what they want you to see, which is really a shame. With myself, I'd like to believe that what you see is what you get... I'm not perfect, nor did I ever claim to be. I'm not deluded to believe that I have no flaws, I'm quite aware of them; the only difference between me and the majority of the people I know is that I admit the flaws exist. I'm so tired of being judged for the imperfections in my life. I don't always say or do the right things at the right times, but that's life. I can be inconsiderate, selfish, and impatient; but for every "flaw" in my personality, there's a good quality to make up for it. Next time someone points a finger at me, I'm going to point them in the direction of the closest mirror. Often times the things you find to dislike about me exist within your own life as well... Food for thought.

2010-02-23T23:56:00.001-05:00

It amazes me how quickly someone can win my heart. It may be wreckless, but it feels right. It's been a long time since I've had that feeling so I'll go with it

formspring.me

2010-02-22T14:06:00.001-05:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Christy2313

I shiver with antici...................................pation

2010-02-02T17:31:00.002-05:00

Life is funny sometimes... it never ceases to amaze me. Things appear to be going well, and it would seem that good things might be coming my way. The anticipation of all it is so exciting, I barely know what to do with myself. I can't wait to find out where this is all going :)

Repeat after me...

2010-01-25T23:13:00.002-05:00

I will not be insecure. I will not be insecure. I will not be insecure. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Why do I over-analyze everything? Ugh

New Year... same goal

2009-12-31T18:41:00.004-05:00

... and that goal is simply to keep moving forward and growing. 2009 is winding down now... only a few more hours to go. This past year hasn't been particularly bad or particularly good... but all in all, it's been better than the previous year was. There's not much to say about 2009, really. I'm simply excited about momving forward. It's the beginning of a new decade.. I can't wait to see what's in store for us all.

Happy New Year everyone, and may all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions (unless you're one of those people who actually keeps their resolutions, lol)

Let it Go

2009-12-22T00:12:00.000-05:00

Where there's love there is pain
With the sun comes the rain
Without wrong there'd be no right
Every day begins with night
In a crowd or all alone
Said out loud on telephones
When you give me your hand
With no words I understand

You got no one to run to
You got no one to find you

Stars will explode
Mountains erode
Oceans over flow
Let it go
Now yesterday is too far away
It's the end of the road
Let it go

I found love when there was pain
I felt the sun in pouring rain
I wish all my wrongs I could do right
I wish that you were hear tonight

Stars will explode
Mountains erode
Oceans over flow
Let it go
Now yesterday is too far away
It's the end of the road
Let it go

It's mind over (you don't) matter

2009-12-21T19:53:00.003-05:00

For the longest time, I wished I could go back in time and do it all over... and do things right. Today I finally realized... I wouldn't, even if I could. Sure, parts of being able to erase certain people or events from your history would have it's perks; but at the same time, it has it's disadvantages as well. After all, if you changed one thing, wouldn't it completely alter the rest of your life?

This past year in particular, I've wished more than anything that I could take TJ out of my life completely.... and sometimes Jason. But I realize now that I couldn't do that without changing nearly everything about the person I've become today.

There are days when my heart still hurts as badly as it did at the time of the initial heartbreak; but I realize that even if I could spare myself the pain, it would be at the expense of later happiness. As they say, you can't truly appreciate good things without experiencing some bad things as well.

I've had some shitty friends, and shitty luck... but all in all, I'm happy with who I am today. It turns out that all the shitty-ness really is for a greater purpose... and I'm okay with that. I'm very much looking forward to a new year and a new start... as this past year, didn't quite live up to my expectations, but then again, things seldom do.

There are two types of secrets.... those we keep from others, and those we keep from ourselves"

2009-12-20T12:16:00.001-05:00

Texts from last night...

2009-12-20T00:11:00.002-05:00

I've just discovered one of the funniest sites I've seen in a while... it's called "Texts from Last night".... the funniest text I've seen so far was this

"(843): I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again."

Click Here to visit the site. Enjoy!!

Thanks Pete :)

2009-12-19T21:31:00.003-05:00

Pretty much anyone who's ever encountered me knows that Fall Out Boy is my Favorite band, and that I love Pete Wentz more any other celebrity on the planet. I found this quote earlier and it just made me smile... just had to share it with everyone.

It's Almost Halloween!!

2009-10-05T23:03:00.004-04:00

It's finally October, which means it's almost Halloween!!! I finally decorated the house, I'm super excited now. I think I've finally perfected my halloween mix on my iPod as well..... take a look, and if you think of something I missed, let me know!!

1. The Addams family Theme Song
2. Beetlejuice Theme Song
3. Heffalumps and Woozles
4. Nightmare on my street- The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff
5. I want Candy- Bow Wow Wow
6. Halloween Theme- John Carpenter
7. Superfreak- Rick James
8. Thriller- Michael Jackson
9. Freaks come out at night- Whodini
10. Ghostbusters
11. Witch Doctor- Sha Na Na
12. Another one bites the dust- Queen
13. The Funeral March
14. Tubular Bells
15. Purple People Eater
16. Sweet Dreams- Marilyn Manson
17. Tales from the Crypt Theme
18. This is Halloween- Marilyn Manson
19. Friday the 13th Theme
20. Phantasm- Criss Angel
21. Boogie Wonderland
22. Pet Sematary- The Ramones
23. Halloween- Aqua
24. If I was your vampire- Marilyn Manson
25. Bad Things- Jace Everett
26. Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead!
27, Evil Ways- Santanna
28. Black Cat- Janet Jackson
29. Love Potion Number 9
30. Jeepers Creepers
31. The Time Warp- Rocky Horror Picture Show
32. Funeral March for a Marionette
33. Halloween- Sonic Youth
34. Living Dead Girl- Rob Zombie
35. It's Almost Halloween- Panic at the Disco
36. Toccata and Fugue
37. Twilight Zone Theme
38. This is Halloween- Panic at the Disco
39. Abracadabra
40. Feed my Frankenstein- Alice Cooper
41. The Devil Went Down to Georgia- Charlie Daniels Band
42. Harry Potter Theme
43. Highway to Hell- ACDC
44. Sanctified- Nine Inch Nails
45. Somebody's Watching Me- Rockwell
46. Men in Black- Will Smith
47. The Munsters Theme
48. Werewolves of London
49. I'm your boogie Man
50. Teenage Frankenstein- Alice Cooper
51. Witchy Woman- The Eagles
52. The Monster Mash
53. x-files theme
54. Little Red Riding Hood- Sam the Sham & the Pharoahs
55. I put a spell on you

Finally... some time to breathe!

2009-09-30T10:41:00.000-04:00

The past week has been pretty eventful. My best friend’s wedding was on Saturday… and it was pretty much a disaster. I don’t think we could have had worse weather. It got to the point where it was almost comical. There was drama all weekend, but we had a really good time after the wedding was finally over.

I, however, was a basket case by the time Sunday morning rolled around. If there was ever a question about whether I truly needed my anti-depressant, I found the answer. I forgot to pack my medicine, so I missed three days worth of pills. You have not seen crazy until you see someone who abruptly stopped taking their mood stabilizer. All I could do was cry…. Seriously, It was bad. I’m finally starting to level out again, so that’s nice. Three cheers to better living through Chemistry.

Work has been pure chaos. We’ve been in the process of trying to get nationally accredited, and it’s been insane. All that finally ended yesterday, so it seems no one is doing a damn thing today, haha. All of our supervisors are in a different county for the day, and as they say…. “when the cats are away, the mice will play”.

I’m going to Kate’s tonight to look at the wedding photos. I’m really excited about it. I know the conditions were horrible, but I have tons of faith that Kate was able to get some really good photos. I love love love looking at pictures, but I really love when they’re pictures that involve me. What can I say; I might be a tad bit narcissistic!! LOL

I’m looking forward to getting back on the exercise bandwagon. I’ve not had a great deal of time to dedicate to the gym lately due to the wedding and all that. I’m hoping to start seeing results again soon. I’ve decided that once I lose 40 lbs, I’m going to have my teeth whitened… it’s like a mini-reward for my mini-goal.

Time heals.... but there will always be scars

2009-09-20T13:55:00.002-04:00

I had a dream last night that just wouldn't end. If I woke up and went back to sleep, the dream pick right back up where it had left off. When I finally woke up this morning, I realized that my heart really isn't as intact as I'd like to think it is.
Someone from my past is coming back for good... though not in the way that I had originally envisioned. I had made so much progress. I'd finally broken the habit and gotten to the point where "just friends" really was possible. February came, and he ruined it all... and I got sucked right back in. In a 10 days time, I gave him the power to hurt me all over again... and he did, of course. I believed every word he said, and I fell for it. And for that... I'm angry.
He's coming back with her... I never thought it would actually happen. I didn't think he'd really marry someone else. Six years ago, this is not what I'd envisioned for either one of us.
It's like a ticking timebomb right now. It's only a matter of time until I run into him or both of them.... and when I do I'm fairly certain that my heart will be broken that much more.

On the verge of a serious meltdown...

2009-08-31T14:20:00.002-04:00

So, I'm sitting at Park West Hospital because my mom is having bilateral total knee replacement (both knees). I was smart enough to remember to bring my laptop so I'd have something to do while my dad and I wait... as the surgery is going to take about 5 hours or so. Well.... turns out, my laptop isn't all that helpful to me right now. I can't access facebook, I can't access twitter, and I'm seriously on the verge of tears. It seems I can go to every site that I've got saved in my favorites, but not facebook. UGH! What the hell amd I gonna do for the next 5 hours? Seriously?

A Fail of Epic proportions

2009-08-29T00:04:00.005-04:00

Seriously... these kinds of things ONLY happen to me. What are the chances of this? I seriously couldn't make this shit up.

1.) Christy meets Boy #1
2.) Christy kind of likes Boy #1
3.) Christy meets boy #2
4.) Christy kind of likes Boy #2
5.) Christy is hanging out with boy #2 at his condo
6.) Boy #2's roommate comes home.....
7.) Boy #2's roommate happens to be boy #1 (no, I did NOT know this).
8.) Christy wants to crawl in the nearest hole.
9.) Neither boy is amused....
10.) EPIC FAIL...DAMN IT!!

Random treasures in the form of words....

2009-08-19T21:10:00.003-04:00

"The Crisis of today becomes the joke of tomorrow." <---- oh, how true that seems to be.

It's been a good night for quotes. I heard these lyrics on the end of a tv show earlier... "you gotta suffer alot to be happy... you gotta fight a few wars to make peace." For some reason, it means something to me... I just can't figure out exactly why.

Really? Who gets an upper respiratory infection in the SUMMER?!?!?

2009-08-19T11:47:00.004-04:00

So, this has pretty much been the story of my life for the past 4 or 5 days. I'm pretty certain I've managed to cough up both lungs and possibly my pancreas. I feel like death warmed over, yet I'm still having to work. It seems like all of my cases are blowing up and going straight to hell in a handbasket. I'm stressed out... and I feel like I'm about one phone call away from crawling under my desk and rocking back and forth. I'm officially not on call anymore as of today... THANK GOD!! I haven't been able to go to the gym since i've been sick, which is making me feel even worse. I'm thinking about trying to suck it up tonight and at least go to yoga or something. Oh well... I'm guess I should get back to saving the world (or whatever it is that people "think" I do around here... ugh

P.S. I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed I was on vacation with Amanda and and some friends from high school and people started disappearing from the beach.... then I started finding people's heads attached to my shower rod. Do you think i'm seriously disturbed or do you think the $50 prescription cough medicine has gotten to me?

Being a Social Worker Means...

2009-08-05T13:13:00.000-04:00

You will never be bored.
You will always be frusturated.
You will be surrounded by challenges.
So much to do and so little time.
You will carry immense responsibility
and very little authority.
You will step into people's lives
and you will make a difference.
Some will bless you
Some will curse you.
You will see people at their worst~
and their best.
You will never cease to be amazed
at people's capacity for
love, courage, and endurance.
You will see life begin~and end.
You will experience resounding triumphs
and devastating failures.
You will cry a lot.
You will laugh a lot.
You will know what it is to be human
and to be humane.

Just keep swimming...

2009-08-05T13:07:00.003-04:00

Wow.. It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. Nothing too exciting is going on. A few boys have come and gone, a few health issues have arisen, I sustained a concussion and hurt my ankle, and that's about it. The ankle is back to normal now, the headaches have gone away, and the boys aren't worth the breath it would take to discuss them. About the only positive thing that's happened is that I joined a gym with my best friend, and we are super motivated. I've also started a new blog to document my successes and failures during my weight loss adventure. Feel free to check it out too, If you want. Click here Anyway, that's it for now I suppose. Now it's back to the exciting adventures of life at DCS. Good times

"If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. "

2009-07-08T13:04:00.002-04:00

I stopped smoking, finally. I have not had a cigarette in 10 days. In all honesty, I haven't even wanted one... up until this very moment. I'm not going to give in... I'm going to be a trooper and stick with it. I managed to quit once before, and had an easy time of it for almost 3 years.... until I started this damn job. Would it be wrong to replace smoking with drinking? LOL. I'm kidding, of course.

My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot...

2009-07-06T16:12:00.001-04:00

It’s not that I’m trying to make things complicated… it’s just that they seem to get all tangled up on their own. I feel like the more I try to fix the situations the worse they get. It’s like having bubble gum in your hair… the more you mess with it the worse the mess gets. I hate feeling like I want two very different things at the same time… I wish there was some clear cut answer. I’m conflicted. I need some time, I need clarity, and I need to figure out how to get both of these things without wounding anyone’s ego or screwing up my own opportunities. I can’t seem to see the forest for the trees.

Adventures in Chattanooga!!

2009-07-01T14:59:00.000-04:00

Create a Free Slideshow

Your body is a temple...

2009-07-01T14:16:00.006-04:00

...but how long can you live in the same house before you redecorate?

I got my first tattoo on Saturday. I'm incredibly happy with it. I'd been thinking about the location for about a year, and finally settled on a design about 6 months ago. I held out for 6 months just to be sure, but I finally went for it on Saturday. I went with a group of friends to Chattanooga over the weekend, and we all got tats at Standard Ink. Everyone there was incredibly nice, and did a great job of calming my nerves. I got voted to go first because all my friends thought I would chicken out once they started getting theirs. I've got to say though, the pain wasn't nearly as bad as I'd anticipated. I'd compare it to a bee sting, honestly.

At the bottom, you'll see a picture. It's in between the size of a nickel and a quarter and located on the inside of my left wrist. I originally started out wanting a heart, but then I found this design and decided that it was absolutely perfect for me. Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely LOVE music (not because I play or sing, but because you'd be hardpressed to find a time when I'm not listening to music on my iPod or on the computer). So, when I saw this design, I knew I could have the best of both worlds... music notes that make a heart... that's what I like to call perfection. Anyway, take a look and let me know what you think!!

24 going on 10

2009-07-01T10:39:00.002-04:00

I just had a life-altering discovery... my mother is always going to be effing crazy.

I'm almost 25 years old, I've lived by myself for over a year, I pay all my own bills, I'm incredibly independent...and my mother still feels the need to tell me how to live my life. Is this something that will ever change? I'm beginning to think not. I mean, seriously... I'm almost 25 years old! What does it matter who I went to Chattanooga with or why I went? Why does it matter if I plan to go to a cabin with some friends for the Fourth of July? Why does it matter how I'm paying for my trips as long as I'm not asking you for money, not doing anything illegal to obtain the money, and as long as Im not neglecting my other bills? Why does it matter who I am or am not dating? Why does it matter if some of my friends are married and/or have children? Does that make them less of a friend? I don't think so. What does it matter if I like to have a Margarita with dinner from time to time, or if I just got a tattoo?

I guess what I'm getting at is the fact that I'm almost 25 years old, I have never been arrested, done drugs, or gotten in any trouble. I've managed to make it this long without having any problems... so why is it that my mother acts like I don't have enough sense to make my own decisions? It seems I've done pretty well thus far... without any help from her, I might add. I'm teetering on the edge of insanity and my mother seems to be trying her best to push me over the edge. How am I supposed to deal with it all? She seems to think I'm 24 going on 10.... and clearly, I'm not.

Thank you, Captain Obvious

2009-06-11T16:03:00.002-04:00

"if it's not on this aisle.... then, it's somewhere else."--Amanda

Wow... really?!?! Thanks for the astute observation, haha. It's the little things that amuse the shit out of me.

You know it's bad when you'd rather get struck by lightening than come to work.

2009-06-11T14:44:00.004-04:00

My. job. makes. me. CRAZY.

Today, I had a meeting with a particularly crazy family which left me feeling as if I should go sit in a quiet dark room for 3 hours just for the sake of having peace and quiet. I knew the meeting was going to be horrible... in fact, last night as it was storming... I did my best to get electrocuted (not really). I did shower while it was storming, and I thought about all the times my mother told me to stay out of the bathtub when it was storming. Anyway, I did not get electrocuted, but if I had, I'm pretty sure it would have been more enjoyable than working today. Perhaps I should have tried talking on the phone instead... I think my mom also told me I could get electrocuted that way too... but then again, my mother lies alot.

Life Lessons

2009-06-09T10:42:00.001-04:00

Someone sent me an email this week that included these life lessons... they're things we all know, but it never hurts to see them again, just as a reminder.

Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
When in doubt, just take the next small step.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch.
Pay off your credit cards every month.
You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
Over prepare, then go with the flow.
Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age
No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
Forgive everyone everything.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
Believe in miracles.
Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
Envy is a waste of time.You already have all you need.
The best is yet to come.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

2009-05-04T10:34:00.001-04:00

I'm not very fond of Mondays... In fact, i really hate them. I especially hate them when I had NO time to relax during the whole weekend. Blah. Is it over yet?

2009-04-21T16:03:00.001-04:00

Some days i really hate my job. Today is one of those days. Now i understand why people drink. I just wanna go home, change clothes and watch American Idol. Ugh

Everything's in it's Right Place

2009-04-08T23:57:00.005-04:00

I have an odd sense of relief as I sit here and realize that I never have to do this again. No more looking back into the past... only moving forward to the bright shiny future. Life is to short to waste on insignificant people, places, and things. No regrets, only lessons learned.

Never again... NEVER

2009-03-30T00:33:00.003-04:00

I hope the ring you gave to her
Turns her finger green
I hope when you're in bed with her
You think of me

I would never wish bad things
But I don't wish you well
Could you tell
By the flames that burned your words?

I never read your letter
'Cause I knew what you'd say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try and make it all okay

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there?
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere

It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know

You knew
Exactly what you would do
Don't say
You simply lost your way

She may believe you
But I never will
Never again

If she really knows the truth
She deserves you
A trophy wife, oh how cute

Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes
And he's through with you
And he'll be through with you
You'll die together but alone

You wrote me in a letter
You couldn't say it right to my face
Well give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there?
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere

It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know

You knew
Exactly what you would do
And don't say
You simply lost your way

They may believe you
But I never will
Never again

Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never

Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there?
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere

It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know

You knew
Exactly what you would do
And don't say
You simply lost your way

They may believe you
But I never will
I never will
I never will
Never again

I'll put this one in my Handy-Dandy Notebook...

2009-03-15T10:27:00.001-04:00

I get it. Now it all makes sense. Thanks. I appreciate it!

A Deeper look into my very eclectic musical tastes...

2009-03-05T15:27:00.004-05:00

Ok, so Kate inspired me to this fun little blog. Really I should be doing more productive things (like work), but this is more fun. I set my iPod to shuffle and took a look at the first 30 songs... I laughed a lot while doing this. You'll probably laugh while reading it...

1. This is Halloween- Marilyn Manson… Halloween is my favorite holiday, so I have a lot of Halloween themed music on my iPod. It just makes me happy :)

2. Home- Three Days Grace… I LOVE them. Both CDs are amazing, and they put on a great show.

3. Heart Breaker-Pat Benatar… I really don’t have an explanation, so let’s just move on, lol.

4. Shut-up and Drive- Rihanna… It’s catchy… and I like it. End of story

5. Elephant Love Medley- Moulin Rouge…. My favorite movie ever. Every time I hear this song I smile because it brings back a lot of happy memories :)

6. New Song- Yael Naim… yes, I downloaded this because of the stupid Mac airbook commercial. Get off me.

7. Ghostbusters…. Again, another demonstration of my love for Halloween. Let’s move on, shall we?

8. I’m a Slave 4 u- Britney Spears…. LOL, just for you Kate. I’m soooo glad this one popped up. My shuffle feature is workin’ for me today.

9. Through the Iris- 10 Years…. Great band from Knoxville. Love them :)

10. Spiderwebs- No Doubt…. Seriously, I just had flashbacks to middle school. Wow.

11. America’s Suithearts- Fall Out Boy… I’m on a hardcore Fall Out Boy kick right now. I love them… almost as much as taking back Sunday!

12. Leave the Pieces- The Wreckers… I loved Michelle Branch back in the day, so I gave The Wreckers a chance… all in all it was a good CD. I’m a big fan of this song in particular.

13. Lolli Lolli (pop that body)- Three 6 Mafia…. I don’t have an explanation for this… I’m eclectic, ok?

14. Hey There Delilah- Plain White T’s… terribly terribly cheesy, but I love it. It’s sweet.

15. Ghost Man on Third- Taking Back Sunday… My favorite band EVER. That’s all you need to know.

16. Music is my hot hot sex- CSS…. Again, the Apple commercial sucked me in. It’s catchy though

17. Burnin’ Up- Jonas Brother… [hangs head in shame] don’t judge me. Like I said, I’m eclectic.

18. My life would suck without you- Kelly Clarkson… she’s great, and this song makes me smile.

19. Satisfied- Ashley Monroe… I went to high school with Ashley, and this is a really great song. There was some trouble with the record label, so she switched, and unfortunately, the old label retained the rights to this CD, so it was never released, but she is working on a new one from what I understand

20. Wreck of the Day- Anna Nalick…. This song is so pretty. The whole CD is pretty much incredible. It’s a few years old, but I highly recommend it.

21. Magic Stick- Lil Kim… every time I hear this song, I giggle. It takes me back to 2003 right after high school graduation and before TJ left for basic. Suzy, Josh, TJ and I had a very random weekend in Pigeon Forge, and this song somehow became our anthem… don’t ask, just move on.

22. Forever your girl- Paula Abdul… wow, she was my very first concert. This takes me back to 2nd grade or so, lol.

23. Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional… great song, makes me smile.

24. Black Balloon- Goo Goo dolls… ahh, the 90s. How I loved those songs

25. Spice up your life- Spice Girls… wow, this song makes me think of Tierra. It also takes me back to like 9th grade or so. Damn you iPod.. you’ve failed me.

26. Miss Murder-AFI… great song, even better video. Makes me think of Sara

27. If I can’t have you- Kelly Clarkson… this might be my favorite Kelly song ever. It’s off the new CD (which hasn’t been released yet, but I accidentally happened across the other day). The “all I ever wanted” cd is so good, that I’m actually going to buy a legal copy of it as soon as it comes out, just to be supportive :)

28. Machine Head-Bush…. I will never again be able to hear this song and not sing “I’ve got a mushy head”… thanks for that Sara, lol. :)

29. Rock you like a hurricane- The Scorpions…. Hahahahahaha. Sara, I’m sure you appreciate that.

30. Bring me to life- Evanescence… I love Evanescence (don’t look at me like that Sara). This song makes me think of TJ for whatever reason.

Adventures in DCS-land

2009-02-24T15:28:00.005-05:00

Today I've learned a few valuable lessons...
1.) Kids are mean as hell
2.) Kids are smarter than we give them credit for
3.) Kids are manipulative brats
4.) Kids can outsmart police officers
5.) If you are looking for a runaway... you will always look in the wrong places.
6.) It might take more than one bar of soap to clean out the mouth of the kid that was sitting in my cubicle earlier.
7.) It looks really bad when a child manages to run away 3 times in one day.
8.) My job sucks sometimes.
9.) I should never have kids, because I'd probably beat them to death if they acted like the one that was in here today.
10.) Some Kids do not draw the line at prostitution.

Today, Amanda and I were on transportation. We had one job, and that job was to keep this 16 year old girl inside the building while our placement specialist looked for a foster home. This child had been picked up and taken to Juvi this morning after running away for the 19th time since coming into states custody. We picked her up, brought her to the office, took her to get lunch, came back, and all hell broke loose. Needless to say, we were not successful in thrwarting her attempts to run, and she got away. She was picked up by the police, brought back her, ran again... picked up by the police AGAIN, and managed to run again. The manipulative little brat told the police officer she was "hot" and naseated, so he rolled down the window a little. Well, apparently he rolled it down too much because next thing he knew, the little brat had managed to get her arm out the window, open the door from the outside, and proceeded to haul ass out of the cruiser. The officer then proceeded to throw the car into park and chase her by foot. Needless to say, this child is now sitting at Juvenile for the rest of the night for evading arrest. Ugh! Seriously, I had no idea kids could be so crazy. Man, I love me job!

Oh, and the best part... this child had originally run from Johnson City, where she had to take a bus to get back to Maryville. We asked her how she paid for the bus tickets for her friend and herself. Her answer: "oh, the girl I was with f***ed some guy for 2 bus tickets." Wow...

yadda yadda yadda

2009-02-19T18:07:00.006-05:00

Here's how it goes:
respond and rework -- answer the questions on your own blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.

1) What are you wearing right now?
black pants and a red satin top

2) What is your biggest fear?
I have a lot of fears... but I guess the biggest one is ending up alone (long term) or something happening to my parents (I'm an only child)

3) What is the one thing you're really nerdy about?
I'm a spelling Nazi. It drives me absolutely bananas when people mispell things. I'm pretty crazy about Grammar as well, but it's mainly spelling that gets me.

4) Who is the last person you hugged?
TJ. And before that I hugged Barrett and Bryson, Suzy's little boys.

5) What Web sites to you visit when you go online?
Myspace, Facebook, postsecret, twitter, blogs

6) What was the last item you bought?
um... I bought a drink for Amanda and some ice cream for myself @ Sonic earlier.

7) If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Australia, Italy, France (so I could see the Moulin Rouge in person), Ireland

8) When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up (and “taller” isn’t an answer, yo)?
When I was really little I wanted to be an actress (what can I say, I've always had a flair for the dramatics), then I wanted to be an Attorney. Once I started college, I wanted to be a marriage and family therapist (oh, the irony), and then somehow I ended up at Children's services which is almost like combining all of those things into one, haha.

9) Has a celebrity's hair cut ever influenced your own hairstyle? Celebrity?
Yes... I definitely had my hair angled toward my face after Jennifer Anniston did it.

10) What is your most embarrassing moment?
Oh my Gosh, I have to pick just one? I don't think I can do that... I've done a LOT of really stupid things in my lifetime. Ok, I guess the MOST embarassing moment was having TJ's grandmother walk into his bedroom at a veeeerrrry bad time. We were in high school, and she was supposed to be working for another hour or two... She then threatened to call my mother (which she didn't really do, thank GOD)

11) What was the last movie you watched?
The House Bunny

12) If you had a whole day to yourself with no work, commitments, or interruptions what would you do?
I would probably sleep... a lot. Then do whatever struck my fancy.

13) If you were to win the Powerball, what would you do with the money (besides invest it)?
I'd buy a mercedes convertible, pay off all of my student loans, take a vacation with friends, and the possibly buy a small island (haha)

14) If you could convince everyone you knew to read one book... what book would it be, and why?
I don't know... It's been a long time since I read anything that wasn't fluff. I do love Twilight though... but that's probably not what I would recommend. Perhaps Brave New World

15) What do you miss most?
This is the hardest one for me.... um, I guess I miss not having any REAL responsibilities. I miss when my biggest worry was what I should wear to somebody's party lol.

16.) If it was possible, would you want to live forever?
Not at all... I figure the world is already messed up enough, can you imagine how bad it will be in 100 years or more?

Now... I'm tagging Kate, Sara, WildFluffySheep, and anyone else who happens to read this post :)

Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs

2009-02-19T01:15:00.002-05:00

I'm a little late on the whole valentine's day thing, but I hope everyone had a lovely one. Mine was interesting to say the least. In honor of that... I present a clip from my very favorite movie of all time....

Lyrics Girl... part 2

2009-02-19T00:52:00.003-05:00

I've said before that things have a way of finding you when you need them to find you, and for me it's usually song lyrics. I was listening to a Taylor Swift CD, which I just downloaded a few days ago, and this is what happened to find me... It's from a song called "the way I loved you"... I fell in love with the song as soon as I heard it.

you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating
intoxicating...Complicated
got away by some mistake and now...

I miss screaming and fighting
and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I was so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

My life would Suck without you!!

2009-02-19T00:30:00.003-05:00

Wishful Thinking

2009-02-16T15:56:00.003-05:00

I wish...
1.) That I would have answered differently
2.) That Things weren't so messy now.
3.) That I had the answers
4.) That I could help you make up your mind
5.) That you didn't have to question it.

Really?!?

2009-02-14T01:01:00.004-05:00

Sweet Jesus it's been a really strange couple of days. Yesterday I had my first TJ encounter in over a year, but it was a voluntary one. TJ's grandfather passed away. He was raised by his grandparents, so I knew that the death was going to affect him greatly. I wasn't sure if TJ would be able to make it in from Germany because the funeral was so soon after his passing; however either way, Suzy was going and I decided that I should go as well. After all, TJ was a huge part of my life, and a part of me is always going to care. I always really liked his grandfather, so I wanted to pay my respects regardless of whether TJ was there. But none-the-less, he was there and seeing him so upset just made me sad.

Today, I got a very random email from a guy that Suzy and I went to high school with. He apparently saw us at Applebees following the funeral. He just wrote me to "fuss" at me because we left before he could get to our table to say hello. I found this really kind of odd, seeing as how I wasn't exactly friends with this guy back in the day. Regardless, after several emails back and forth, he asks for my telephone number and says that we should meet up for dinner or drinks sometime. So now I'm just left shaking my head thinking "wtf?".

Tonight, I met up with Suzy for a bit and we ran into her ex. Their situation is a very complicated one, so I won't even begin to try to understand it. At any rate, we stopped to talk to him for a moment, he hands each of us a twenty dollar bill and walks away. Again, this leaves me shaking my head thinking "wtf?"

THEN.... I'm on my way home, only to find that I can't actually get down my street because the City of Knoxville is out there in the middle of the road digging holes for some reason. So I have to turn around, wander through the neighborhood trying to get back to the other side of my street so I can get to my house. I finally get home and now it's 1:15 in the morning and their still out there making a bunch of racket, lights flashing, etc.... and all I really want to do is go to bed. Sheesh.

Anyhow, I hope everyone has a lovely valentines day. Personally, I'm choosing to sleep in and then possibly doing some yard work. How romantic, huh? But, I figure "what the hell"... it's just another day.

Seriously freaking out

2009-02-08T21:51:00.002-05:00

I've got a huge doctor's appointment coming up tomorrow and I couldn't be more nervous. I've gotta have so much checked and I'm also going to talk to them about the anxiety medication. I'm having my thyroid checked, my blood sugar checked, and this spot that came up on my stomache about a year ago checked. When this spot came up, everyone convinced me that it was nothing to be worried about, but now I'm not so sure. The spot just keeps getting bigger and now everyone's got me worried to death that it's skin cancer or something like that. Needless to say, I'm a nervous wreck at this point. I'm also worried that they're going to find something wrong with my thyroid... thyroid conditions run in my family, so there's a pretty decent chance they'll find something wrong, and that makes me nervous. At the same time, a hypoactive thyroid would explain all the weight issues I've been having, and it is treatable, but I just don't want to have to deal with it. I'm incredibly stressed, I'm worn out, and scared. Bleh!

Take care of your body, it's the only place you have to live

2009-02-05T13:13:00.004-05:00

My weight has always been a bit of a sore subject for me and it's never something I particularly care to discuss, but it's really time for some serious changes. I've been trying to lose weight for a long time now, but I'm not making any real progress. In fact, sometimes I've experienced the opposite of progress. I have not eaten any fast food in nearly a month, I've been eating lots of salads and veggies, yet I stepped on the scale the night before last only to find that I've not lost a single pound. Instead, I've actually gained 10. This is incredibly frustrating to me and I don't understand how in the world I could possibly gain weight when I'm actually trying to watch what I eat. I've finally admitted to myself that I'm going to HAVE to get a gym membership, because I'm not going to work out regularly like I should without one. I can say all day long that I'm going to excercise at home, and sometimes I do, but it's simply to easy to to sit my fat ass down on the couch instead. So, with that said, I've got a free 10 day membership to the Rush fitness Center, and after that I'm going to look into membership options that they have available.

So, all that said, I'm ready to turn over a new leaf. I'm the heaviest I have ever been in my whole life and that's something that I simply cannot live with. I'd like to lose about 75 pounds and be back down to a size 10. That's a long way to go, but I've gotta start somewhere. So, on top of all the other random things I blog about, i'm going to attempt to blog about my progress as I attempt to lose this weight. Words of encouragement are always welcome!

Who would have thought....

2009-02-05T12:46:00.004-05:00

As I sit here at the front desk, filling in for Jill (who's gone to Nashville), I realized that I would not make a good secretary. People just assume that answering the phones and and paging people on the intercom is easy... well, I'm here to tell you otherwise. This stuff is hard. So far (it's 12:49 and I've only been up here for an hour) I've hung up on 6 people, transferred 2 calls to the wrong line, been asked for directions (which I'm terrible with) and quite possibly gotten someone lost. I don't understand the complexity of this switchboard (who knew that the DCS office phones could have so many lines!). Anyway, I've got a new found appreciation for the secretaries. If you have a secretary at your job, you should really buy them a cup of coffee and tell them thank you sometime. Sheesh!!

What comes after the blues?

2009-02-04T21:47:00.004-05:00

I'm not big on horoscopes, for I typically feel that they're a bunch of nonsense; however, I randomly read over them when I'm particularly bored. I found today's horoscope particularly interesting just because it fell along the lines of something that Amanda and I have been talking about for the last few days.

"You are a bundle of contradictions these days. Although you have an uncharacteristic sense of emotional detachment now, your feelings are profoundly deep, giving you a sharp perspective on what's happening."

I'm generally a very emotionally driven individual... I feel very deeply and passionately about everything I do and say; however the last month or so has been completely different. Several things have happened recently which should have affected me very deeply, or at least they would have affected me deeply in the past; instead, I don't feel much of anything. "Emotional detachment" is the best way to describe it really. It's bizarre really... I'm able to laugh, and have fun, but at the same time I feel very detached from it all.

I have a hard time admitting when I think there might be a problem, but in this instance, I really think there might be. Several years ago, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Up until this point I've managed on my own without the aid of medication. Now, however, this is a decision I might have to rethink. My job is incredibly stressful the majority of the time, which only adds to effects I feel from the G.A.D. Anyhow, I think I've finally decided that when I go to the doctor on Monday, I'm going to talk to my doctor about the way I've been feeling. I don't know that I'll be prescribed any medication, but at this point I'm willing to consider alternatives to dealing with this on my own. I'm so tired of feelin so "blah" and tired all the time.

I know a few people who take anti-depression or anti-anxiety medications... for those of you who do, how do you feel about them? Is it worth it?

Tidbits...25 of them, to be exact

2009-01-30T18:55:00.001-05:00

1. I am terribly upset about turning 25 next year.

2. Something bad happens to me every single time it snows...

3. I am a terrible judge of character.

4. I have a really hard time staying mad at people and because of this, I've let myself become very similar to a doormat.

5. I am perpetually late to everything... I can't help it. I am, however, attempting to work on this issue.

6. I really really really want to believe that everything happens for a reason, but some days I'm just not sure.

7. I was in a really really bad car wreck in 2003 in which I sustained very serious injuries and could have been killed. The car was totaled and when they did the odometer statement for the insurance company, it was 77,777.7 The car was not drivable, so it was just loaded up on a flatbed. No additional miles were put on it after the crash, so it was actually 77,777.7 miles when I wrecked. If you do the numerology on the date of when I had the wreck, it also comes out to 7.

8. I am terribly superstitious of the number 7 because of said situation above.

9. I really love llamas. I don't really have an explanation for this.

10. I named my cat after a bar on the strip.

11. I really love to fly. I love everything about the airport, I think it's exciting.

12. I try very hard to control my southern accent, but when I drink a lot or get really excited about something, it slips out.

13. I have been terribly unlucky when it comes to relationships, but I remain optimistic.

14. I can fake a British accent for hours... I successfully fooled someone at Peninsula Hospital into thinking I was British (no, I wasn't there for treatment...it was for work, haha)

15. I've become very spoiled by the flexibility that my job allows me. I'm not sure I could have a structured job that required me to work set hours.

16. Working for the Department of Children's Services has changed my life... I just can't decide if it's changed it for the better or worse, haha. Just kidding, of course. It's been an incredible opportunity which I'm very thankful for.

17. I would rather have 2 or 3 really close friends that I know I can trust than 15 or 20 acquaintances that I always have to worry about.

18. I really want to audition for American Idol just for the sole purpose of meeting Simon and Paula.

19. I've gotten into a terrible habit of cursing... I'm trying to work on this.

20. I believe that things find you when you need them to find you...and for me, it's usually song lyrics.

21. I absolutely LOVE Taking Back Sunday and Fall out boy.

22. If I could live anywhere else, I'd live in New York City.

23. I am a spelling Nazi, lol. Quite frequently you'll hear Amanda or someone else saying "hey, how do you spell [insert word here]". It drives me crazy when people don't spell things correctly.

24. I heart Jack Bauer.

25. Amanda and I were doing cartwheels down the hallway in the DCS office today. We don't have an explanation, so don't ask. Some co-workers did, however, get video footage of said cartwheels.

Why you no like?

2009-01-30T10:49:00.003-05:00

Ok, so these really crack me up. Amanda and I watch them whenever we get stressed at work. I thought I'd share the joy!

Absolutely Hysterical!!

2009-01-28T16:30:00.017-05:00

So... I stole this from an email, but it's just too priceless not to pass on! Enjoy!!

JC Penny Catalog from 1977... Oh, sweet mockery!

I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:

Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:

There's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something else. The clothes. The clothes are fantastic.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:

Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:

This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:

This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it's slightly more effective as a deterrent against ass-rapery.

Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:

If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.

Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:

He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:

If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day:

Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.

As does your search for chest hair.

And this -- Seriously. No words.

Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. F*ck. I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?

I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled "Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best."

And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."

Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:

I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it's the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:

Man, that's sexy.

Like sands through the hour glass...

2009-01-26T23:41:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had that feeling that your life is passing by in a blur? Today I had that feeling. I was driving home from work, just like I do every weekday and it just hit me. Maybe it's because I've been so busy at work lately, but I feel like I wake up on Monday morning, go to work, come home from work, and wake up to Friday wondering where the rest of my days went. Hell, a whole year has passed and I only remember bits and pieces of it; maybe that's because I was so sad, maybe it's because I was so busy, I'm really not sure. There's just so much that I want to do, say, feel, and experience... and I'm just scared that I'm not going to get the opportunity.

A few weekends ago, Britany asked Sara and I if we ever worried about dying. I said no, because I didn't... until now. It's like when she asked that it set off some weird little alarm in my head and now I worry about it. I worry that I'm not going to get to do everything I want to do before I die. I worry about the bills I'd leave behind for my parents to pay, I worry about whether I should go ahead and sign the organ donor card. I've wondered how long it would take someone to figure out something had happened to me if I was at home by myself because lets face it... it's been days since anyone has actually called me. I'm guessing my supervisor at work might wonder about me if I no-call/no-showed a few days or my parents might eventually realize they hadn't heard from me in a while.

I don't know, I'm just in a weird mood today. I miss my best friend. I'm confused. I'm sad. I feel like I'm about to cry, but don't really have a reason. Blah.

Call me butter, cause i'm on a roll!!

2009-01-26T12:02:00.003-05:00

The last few days have definitely been interesting. Friday afternoon, I'd planned a late lunch with Amanda. At 4:00 we head to the El Chico on Merchants for tasty food and a much needed Margarita. Well, 1 margarita turned into 3 for both me and Amanda-panda... giggly we were, indeed. We decide that the margaritas weren't quite enough, so we made a stop off at the liquor store and bought a bottle of wine. We then proceeded to return to my house, sit on the back porch and drink the entire bottle of wine and bitch about people at work, talked about our personal lives and how far we've come in the last year, and contemplated the growing distance between ourselves and some of our friends and the reasons for that. All in all, we decided that alcohol provided clarity, lol.

On Saturday, I had a very random, very "un-christy" experience. Somehow, I got dragged along to a Rodeo in Morristown. I witnessed bonafide calf-roping, barrel races, and bull riding. I was slightly traumatized, and felt really terrible for the little baby cows that were getting ropes slung around them. They seemed to be ok afterwards, but I still imagine that it's kind of traumatic for them. I really didn't enjoy this rodeo experience at all, but it was an experience none-the-less.

Today, I came in to work to find that I'd actually been recognized for doing something well. I've got huge file reviews coming up, and the file that they picked was a transfer case that I got about a month ago, and the whole thing was a wreck. The actual file was completely wrong and missing all kinds of information, and the whole case in general has been a mess. I've been a basket case the last week or so trying to get everything fixed. Well, I came in today to find an email that said out of everyone in the region, my files were the best. I even got a prize for it, haha. I was shocked to say the least.

I'm also on a roll today, I'm getting things taken care of left and right. I finally got an electric bill paid for one of my families, made appointments, scheduled meetings, and finished my case notes!! All in all, it's looking like it's gonna be a good day! Horray for good days!!

Hope it gives you hell...

2009-01-25T16:57:00.001-05:00

Ha! That's all I can say...

Lyric Girl

2009-01-17T18:19:00.002-05:00

You know I've got this theory, there are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. You know, the lyrics people tend to be analytical. You know, all about the meaning of the song. They're the ones you see with the CD insert out like 5 minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpreting the hell out of everything. Um, then there’s the music people..who could care less for the lyrics as long as its just got like a good beat and you could dance to it. I don’t know, sometimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since I’m not, let me just say this... Sometimes things find you when you need them to find you, I believe that. And for me its usually song lyrics.

Another wasted breath...again it goes unnoticed

2009-01-17T00:43:00.004-05:00

I said I wasn't going to let it get to me, but you know what... I can't help it. Deep down I know it doesn't matter, and I know that a month from now I won't even remember this, but still. I'm so sick of people making me feel like I'm not good enough or I'm not worth it. I just don't get it... I really don't. Men want to bitch and complain about how "crazy" women are... well perhaps you ought to start taking a look at youselves, fellas! Seriously! You complain about your exes, you complain about other women, you complain about the fact that you're single, etc etc. Well, what about the woman who's standing right in front of you listening to you complain, who's doing all the right things? Do you notice her? Of course not... you just push her to the side to look for something else. But you know what? That girl you just pushed aside to make room for whatever "better" woman you think you're going to find.... well, that girl was pretty awesome. That girl could have been the best thing that ever happened to you, if only you'd let her. But you won't. Oh well... your loss.

Oooh oooh ooooh... Honey!

2009-01-11T23:31:00.003-05:00

Tell me about it, Stud...
I've officially watched Grease twice tonight. There's nothing like a good John Travolta/Olivia Newton John Marathon. Perhaps tomorrow I'll watch Two of a Kind and Xanadu (yes, I know John Travolta isn't in Xanadu, but who cares). I may even watch Grease 2 as well. haha God, I love Musicals!!

"It's in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped."

2009-01-07T21:05:00.006-05:00

Do you ever think about how different your life would be if you'd made different decisions? Usually I don't think about things like that, but today while I was stuck in traffic, I found my mind wandering to places and people I hadn't thought of in a million years. I guess what really started it all was that I heard some things about a guy I dated when I lived in Johnson City... and it just kind of hit me how one decision can drastically alter that path your life is on. I just realized how glad I am that I made certain decisions that got me to where I am today. I can't imagine having stayed with TJ and ending up in Germany, or what my life would have been like if I'd continued to date Kevin, Brandon, Drew, or any of the other guys from Johnson City. Any of these opportunities could have led me to very different endings...but I'm soooooo glad that they didn't.

This also got me thinking about the opportunities I might have missed because I was scared to make a decision at all, or I was wasting time with the wrong person. I guess it's time to make sure I don't make those same mistakes again... *sigh*

A year to remember...

2008-12-31T11:12:00.004-05:00

and a year to forget.

Someone once said "an optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." I guess that makes me a pessimist.

2008 was a vicious year for me almost from the very beginning. I had 10 stress free days and then Hell was unleashed. From January 10th until now, my life has been a roller coaster ride that I seemed to have no control over. I can't say that I'm even a tiny bit sad to see this year come to an end. This year I saw everything I believed in fall apart, leaving me wondering who in the world I was supposed to be on my own. I came to the realization that I couldn't just go back to who I was before and I had to move forward and figure out who I wanted to be now. So that's what I did. It's been an interesting trip getting here, but I think I've finally got it mostly figured out. A lot of bad things happened this year, but a lot of really great things happened as well; Some things, which i thought were really bad at the time, turned out to be good after all.

This year has definitely been a year of change for me... I got a "real job", got a new car, moved out, made some new friends and fixed some things with old ones. I've finally realized that sometimes people act like asses for a greater purpose... whether they realize it or not. I've also realized that sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

I've got a lot of hope for coming year, and I truly believe it's going to be a good one. Even if it's not, I've got friends to get me through it :) With that said... Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right.

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day."
--Edith Lovejoy Pierce

I feel so ashamed

2008-12-29T17:53:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had something happen or experienced something that just really makes you feel guilty for ever having complained about your life? Today I came face to face with a situation that made me feel so ashamed for having ever complained about anything about my life.

In general, I try not to complain about things, but I catch myself from time time. I guess we all do, really. I know that recently, I've complained about being "broke", but you know what... I'm not, not when you really look at the big picture.

Today I felt completely and utterly ashamed for ever making comments like that. I'm working with a family who's about to lose their home, have their electricity turned off, and get their car reposessed... all because they can't find a job. They're all trying, I can attest to that, but the economy is so terrible right now that no one is hiring. This is a common problem right now, and it leaves me wondering "what happens to these people when they lose everything they have"? I mean, where are they supposed to go and what are they supposed to do?

I guess I'm just feeling guilty because there's really nothing I can do to help them. The state can't pay their bills for them, but they can't get jobs either. I hate feeling helpless because I've got that "fix-it" mentality. It's hard to accept that I can't really save people, no matter how much I want to. Most of all I just feel like a selfish brat for ever having complained about my own life. I complain about my job, but at least I have one. I complain about the repairs that need to be made on my house, but I really shouldn't. In fact, I've got all the things I need in life, I've got a roof over my head, I've got food, I've got heat, and God knows I don't want for any clothes to wear.

I guess it just blows my mind that in this country, we're paying professional athletes millions of dollars to play a sport, yet we've got everyday civilians losing everything they've got. How in the world is that fair? And what in the world are we supposed to do about it?

Patience is a virtue

2008-12-28T18:35:00.003-05:00

... unfortunately, it's one I don't posess.

Someone once said that “The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.” This is something I'm trying very hard to remember. Patience has never been one of my strong points, I'll be the first to admit that. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am an only child, and instant gratification was my best friend growing up. Unfortunately, the real world doesn't opperate the same way.

Things are going marvelously, and I think that's part of the problem. The fact that things are going so well is causing me a lot of anxiety. I've said this a million times, but I'll say it again. I'm not used to things going well these days, and a part of me still feels like I don't deserve it. I know that's silly and that I deserve to be happy just as much as the next person. I was watching a re-run of One Tree Hill earlier, and one of the characters said something that pretty much sums up my entire last year...
"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there…because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else-something that feels wrong, only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment you realize…you're happy."

I guess I'm just starting to feel impatient because I'm scared of losing this "happiness" so to speak. In some weird way I feel this compulsion to make things "official" in an attempt to stake a claim on the happiness, as if that will ensure that it'll stay around for at least a little while longer. Yet, at the same time, I know that I needn't rush things and that everything will happen on it's own accord. I know that I should really just enjoy the magic and anticipation of it all, it's just hard sometimes.

Amanda said something to me a few weeks ago, we were actually talking about other people, but regardless she said that she "doesn't believe that God grants you patience, but rather he presents you with the opportunity to be patient" and you "either take it or you don't". Perhaps this is God's way of allowing me to find patience on my own.

It's almost time... Finally!!

2008-12-19T17:33:00.003-05:00

In exactly 2 hours.... I'll be at the Valarium getting ready to seen Taking Back Sunday!!!!!!!!!! Eeek! I'm so excited!

"Everyone in this place is a F***ing WHORE!!" and other priceless quotes heard within the DCS office

2008-12-19T10:38:00.002-05:00

Oh, the joys of being a case manager for The Department of Children's services...

Yesterday was quite possibly the worst day in DCS history (or at least my history w/ DCS). I got lost and explored alternate destinations within Monroe County. Yesterday also involved some lovely experiences with a 6 year old from Hell. Yes, a 6 year old actually stated (about DCS) "Everyone in here is a f****ing WHORE!!". It's really a story that needs to be told in person, so I'll save it for the next time I see your lovely faces :)

Anyway, other phrases heard frequently at the DCS office (either said by employees or parents/children)....

"I need a bomb!"--Amanda/me
"Incorrect Username/Password my ASS!!"--Amanda
"I f***ing HATE TnKids!"--Every employee here
"I quit!"--Every employee here
"Jesus Christ, by the end of a 2 hour meeting I better be getting my f***ing kids back"--a parent actually said this to me.... and I laughed (bad plan)
"It's your fault I can't get a job, you schedule too many meetings"--same parent as above also made this statement. It's important to note that I've only scheduled 2 meetings in THREE MONTHS!

and of course, there's the "collective sigh/scream" everytime our computer systems go down, which inevitably happens as you go to save the Permanency plan you've been typing for 2 hours, and though it was saved previously, it still manages to lose the whole document.

God, I love my job! :)

This is why you should never name your pet after a bar...

2008-12-18T22:59:00.006-05:00

I'm proud to present (ok, not so proud, but I'm presenting it anyway) my absolutely insane kitten. Watch now as he does his best to fight the singing/dancing snowman. I'm telling you, there's something terribly wrong with this cat. Hopefully this video works this time.

Sometimes... you just can't fix stupid

2008-12-18T12:39:00.002-05:00

At work, I deal with a lot of ignorant people. There's a lot of things I can fix... but I just can't fix stupid. In honor of stupidity everywhere, I'd like to present a video....

do you love me?

2008-12-18T12:34:00.000-05:00

Love games?
Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me?
I just wanna know what to do 'cause I need your love a lot
Oh come on now
Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me?
I just wanna know what to do 'cause I need your love a lot
Oh come on now
Moving too fast, this isn't a race ooh
Baby back off and lower the pace now
Slow it down, and give me some space, mmmh
Moving too fast, this isn't a race. ah ah
*funky music insert*
Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me?
I just wanna know what to do 'cause I need your love a lot
Oh come on now
Moving too fast this isn't a race ooooh
Will you back off and lower the pace now?
Slow it down, and give me some place.
Moving too fast this isn't a race.
I'm Old Gregg
I know I think you said
Come on don't make me beg now
'cause I'm not your regular guy
don't be shy
do you love me?

smitten kitten

2008-12-15T23:38:00.003-05:00

I'm so absolutely smitten it's not even funny. This has bad new bears (or good news bears, depending on how you look at it) written all over it. :p I'm also going out with said boy who has me smitten again tomorrow night :) *squeak*

I need a bomb

2008-12-14T22:43:00.003-05:00

Ok... seriously. Gmail freakin BLOWS today. All I want to do is send these damn pictures, in an email. I don't think this is really asking too much of an email program. I've tried emailing the individual files, I've tried zipping the files, I've tried standing on my head and singing while trying to email said files... but NOOOOOO. Well you know what Gmail? Fuck you and the horse that brought you here. "Oops a server error occurred and your email was not sent" Huff!

Let's make this night last forever and ever and ever...

2008-12-13T01:27:00.003-05:00

So, I had a very wonderful date tonight. I'm very excited, but trying not to get my hopes up too much. Seriously, this guys seems almost too good to be true... he opens car doors, pulls out chairs, tells me I look amazing, shares the same views on religion and politics, and talks just as much as me. For the first time in my life I made it through a first date without any akward silences or anything. We even opted out of a movie to go to starbucks and talk some more. I'm fairly certain that we'll go out again, and that's something I'm definitely going to be looking forward to. If things continue to go the way they did tonight, then I'm in GREAT shape :) Keep your fingers crossed!!

All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream.

2008-12-10T12:03:00.004-05:00

Ok... I had two very odd dreams last night. I don't even begin to know how to intrepret them. The first dream I only remember bits and pieces of, the second one I remember almost all of it.

Dream 1:
I was at my house, only it didn't look like my house at all. I had invited a few people over, but somehow, a TON of people showed up... people I didn't even really know. So in the upstairs of my house, there's this huge game room... I've got 3 pool tables, an air hockey table, and some random arcade machines. Originally, I had invited Jaycen over for this get together... but then somehow, Chris showed up too. So, I start thinking how this is bad news bears, because they both can't be at the same place at the same time. So, I'm trying so hard to keep them in separate rooms (because, that always work, right haha). Anyway, so I'm going back and forth between rooms, spending time with both of them, but after a while I really just want Jaycen to leave because he's getting on my nerves. Inevitably, this party gets waaaayyy out of control and i'm trying to get everything calmed down and some random girl I've never seen tries to start a fight with me. I go inside and sit on the couch to try to calm down for a few minutes before I try to get Jaycen to leave... then I randomly start levitating off the couch. Obviously I freak out. A whole lot of stuff that I can't remember happens, and then the next thing I can clearly recall is that i'm on a ladder trying to get something out of the attic and the ladder tips over with me on it... then I woke up. WTF?!?

Dream 2:
For some reason, I'm having to go back to high school and take a years worth of classes. So, they send me to halls high school. Meggan, John, Amanda, and some random guys I've never seen before are all there. I ride to school with Meggan and we get there, and Jason smith is there, going to school too. Well, I'm really confused because I don't have a schedule or anything and I'm really not sure why I'm there in the first place. I don't know my way around Halls at all, and Meggan just leaves me so she can make it to her class on time. Finally, after wandering around, I find a table with some old ladies who have my schedule. They had it to me, and it's soggy, like they'd dipped it in a bucket of water. All they while, i'm complaining to them that I don't really need to be here because I already have a bachelor's degree from UT. They laugh and say "oh, well, if you're so smart, you shouldn't have a problem at all!" I get pissed and walk away. The first class on my schedule is a fire safety class... and it's scheduled 3 times in a row. So I go to the class and sit there, still really confused. I make it through the class and I start looking at the rest of my schedule... they've got me scheduled for French, and for a random history class. I'm pissed at this point, because I already took spanish and I'm determined that I am NOT going to take French as well. So, fire safety starts for the second time, and Jason Smith is in this class with me...the day just keeps getting worse. So he's being a jack-ass, of course, because why would I expect anything else. Eventually, I get pissed off enough to fight back, and we both get in trouble. Finally this class ends, and I run out to find Amanda. We go eat lunch and she and I are both complaining because we shouldn't have to come back to high school after completing college. We decide to go talk to the Principle about it. We throw a fit, and end up getting expelled, thus delaying our inevitable years worth of classes even longer. They tell us that she and I will both have to return next year to complete the classes and until we do so, we can't work. Then they take our car keys away from us. I woke up then thinking "what in the HELL just happened?!?"

Any fun interpretations for me?

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.

2008-12-07T23:16:00.005-05:00

So... I'm happy. There, I said it. It's been a long long time since I've been genuinely happy, and it scares me. In fact, just the thought that I said "i'm happy" out loud scares the hell out of me. I'm not very good at this whole being happy thing. Well, I mean, I obviously know how to be happy, it's just that I'm always afraid that something is lurking around the corner, ready to jump out and snatch that happiness away from me. It's an interesting predicament to be happy yet afraid that you're going to lose said happiness at the same time. It just seems like for the last year or so, everytime I get close to being happy, it's like something out there in the universe says "oh no, christy's about to be happy.. better get her". I know that sounds stupid, I've just had a really long string of bad luck this year and it's kind of hard to just sit back and think that maybe, just maybe, the bad luck has come to an end.

It's not just one thing that's made me all of a sudden "happy", in fact, it's not really anything at all. I've just finally gotten to that point where things are starting to fall into place. The house is mostly presentable now, I sort of know what I'm doing at work now, there's a few prospects in the dating world, I've got a great group of friends who mean the world to me, and finally finally finally he who shall remain nameless doesn't matter anymore. I've worked so hard to get to this point... is it silly that I'm worried it might all come crashing down again? Is this a fear that will ever really go away?

It's times like this when I feel truly helpless...

2008-12-07T17:18:00.002-05:00

My friend John's father passed away yesterday after a long battle with Cancer. Coping with the death of a loved one is a difficult challenge at any time, but it's increasingly difficult during the holidays. I'm struggling because I'm not sure how to help him. On one hand, I know that there's really nothing I can do for him, but on the other hand, I want so desperately to take away the pain that he's feeling. I guess just keep John, his mother, and brother in your thoughts and prayers.

Music is what feelings sound like

2008-12-06T23:49:00.003-05:00

I was very excited to see that you can now upload a playlist as a widget on Blogger. I love music, so obviously there's a ton of stuff on there. Check it out, there's some of my favorite songs from some of my favorite artists and bands. Hope you enjoy! Perhaps you'll add your own playlist to your blog :) yay for music!!

Vampires never hurt anyone...

2008-12-04T21:08:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure how I'd managed to miss out on this video until now... but what more could a girl possible want out of life than a rock star vampire wearing eye liner?

Son of a...

2008-12-04T15:14:00.001-05:00

It's officially Christmas time. I had my first kid overdose today. They always start pulling out the crazy around Christmas. Well... off to the hospital I go.

A little something to help my day pass by quicker... and perhaps your's too.

2008-12-04T13:58:00.001-05:00

Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people.

1. Thank you for telling the truth, even when I didn’t want to hear it.
2. You were wrong… about everything—them, me, us, and lots of other thing.
3. Thank you for making me laugh.
4. I’m sorry
5. We worked so hard to be friends again and you just threw it all away. Don’t bother asking for another chance.
6. Do you ever actually know what you’re talking about?
7. I’m so tired of fixing your screw-ups.
8. I don’t know what to say to you anymore.
9. I could be the best thing that ever happened to you, if you'd let me.
10. What’s with the flakiness?

Nine things about myself.

1. I LOVE music
2. I believe things find you when you need them to find you… and for me, it’s usually song lyrics.
3. I've made a lot of mistakes
4. I’m perpetually late… to everything
5. I like to just randomly drive around and think
6. I procrastinate… alot
7. I love llamas… but I’m not sure why.
8. I hate for someone to be mad at me.
9. I can fake a British accent all day long.

Eight ways to win my heart.

1. Kiss me deeply.
2. Make me laugh… often
3. Hug me… often
4. Surprise me.
5. Never lie.
6. Tell me your secrets and be interested in mine.
7. Dance with me.
8. Just love me.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot.

1. I need a day off.
2. I need a nap
3. Where did I put my keys?
4. Is this cat inbred?
5. Why is it that the more ignorant you are, the faster you reproduce?
6. What if the hokey pokey really is what it’s all about?
7. I'm hungry.

Six things I wish I never did.

1. Let him have control
2. Wasted so much time
3. Believed it was my fault
4. Spent so much money
5. Believed lies
6. Waited so long.

Five turn-offs.

1. No humor
2. Lack of self-confidence
3. Arrogance
4. Stupidity/Ignorance.
5. Inability to communicate.

Four turn-ons.

1. Dark hair with blue or green eyes
2. Romance
3. Smile.
4. Sincerity/Honesty

Three smiley's that describe your life.

1. :-)
2. :-/
3. ;-)

Two things you want to do before you die.

1. Travel the world.
2. Be happy.

One confession.

1. A part of me will always love you, but I can never think of you the same way ever again.

Eeeek!

2008-12-04T12:33:00.000-05:00

So... I'm totally pumped and I'm getting soooooo excited. "Why?" you might ask. Well, the answer is simple... My friends I'm going to see Taking Back Sunday in exactly 15 days. I'm so excited I can barely breathe. TBS also recently released some information about their upcoming album which will be called "New Again". I just checked the bands blog on Myspace, and thus far, this is they've said about it...
we are also listening to the mixes of the NEW AGAIN songs and they sound frickin great.

when you hear it-

youre gonna lose it.

youre gonna get that feeling that makes you want to steal a car and drive it to mexico where you start a new life, a better life, one where you can be free and more human and listen to music as loud as you want and eat fish tacos until the sun sets, maybe meet a nice mexican boy or girl and start a family of rebels that grows and grows until youre a huge unstoppable force that finally sets this world ablaze...VIVA LA REVOLUCION, VIVA LA REVOLUCION!!!

Putting my heart back together

2008-12-03T14:46:00.000-05:00

I feel really good today... still hopeful. A very different hopeful than I was 6 months ago, and that my friends, is a wonderful feeling :)

Lazy Bum... living the "ife"

2008-12-02T16:04:00.000-05:00

So I definitely skipped out on work today. I just didn't feel like dealing with it. I had a headache, so I called in. Real nice, huh? I didn't have a whole lot to do today. I got everything on my to do list done yesterday, so it's not like it's a big deal. I guess I should have more motivation than that though. It's nice to have a little break from time to time though. Especially since this month is so chaotic. I had lunch with Kate today though, which was nice. She's really worried about her health. She's got a big Doctor's appointment tomorrow, and she's really nervous. I wish there was something I could have said or done to make her feel better, but I know there's nothing i can do. On the plus side, she's starting to come around to my point of view regarding some of my very best friends... so that's nice. Maybe everyone really can get along eventually... well, almost everyone. It looks like Daniel has joined Team Jason on this one, but that's ok. I understand he has to draw his loyalties somewhere, and I respect that. I just think it's all silly to begin with.

I'm thinking about changing my kitten's name to something menacing and vampire-esque because he's definitely evil, and he's definitely a biter. I have holes in my hands and arms, and that my friends, is not a pleasant feeling.

I love quotations... in fact, I may post some of my favorites later today. I don't know, I just think they can be comforting sometimes, sometimes even inspiring.

I realize I'm rambling now, so I guess that means I'm out of interesting things to say. Perhaps I'll post some quotes later.

:-)

2008-12-01T00:01:00.000-05:00

I'm holding my breath and smiling all at the same time. There's nothing to get excited about yet.... but I'm hopeful. I've got a good feeling, I just hope I'm not wrong. :)

And it all comes crashing down...

2008-11-26T19:51:00.000-05:00

The holidays are almost here. Most people would be happy about this. Me.. not so much. I'm trying really hard to be festive. I even put my Christmas tree up early in hopes that it would make me feel better... which it did, but only for a few days. The holidays are hard for me in general. I have a big family, which is great; however when we all get together I can't help but be sad because for the last few years we've been short a family member. My grandfather passed away 2 days before Christmas in 2006. I miss him all the time, but the holidays seem to intensify the sadness.

This is the first time in 3 years that I haven't had someone to share the holidays with. As much as I don't like to admit it, this makes me sad. It's not about just having someone there, but about being able to share this "magical" season with someone you love. I went shopping tonight and found myself wandering aimlessly because there's a huge hole in my shopping list. Everywhere I look I see things that bring memories to the front of my mind and I see things that would have made perfect gifts for him. It all just makes it that much harder.

I know I shouldn't let these things drag me down. I should enjoy spending time with the family I still have and I certainly shouldn't let someone who wouldn't give me a second thought make my holidays feel empty. I really do want to enjoy this time of the year, I think I just need a little extra help making new memories.

Sea Anemones and clouds

2008-11-24T16:57:00.000-05:00

I don't know what the hell is wrong with people today. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of idiots... today is one of those days. I've gotten the most ridiculous phone calls all day. I should really just leave work before my head , in fact, explodes. I hate the weather, and the stupid gray clouds that seem to be sitting precisely on top of my brain (or at least that would make a nice explanation for why my brain isn't working today). Perhaps London really wouldn't be a good place for me after all... I hear the weather is dreadfully similar to todays weather. I guess Fork, Washington wouldn't work either. What a pity. I think I'll buy a sea anemone and name it Russell.. hahahahaha. Ok, that's it.. .I'm really leaving work now. It's obvious I'm not going to get anything productive done.

Very frustrating...

2008-11-22T18:57:00.000-05:00

Ok... a new blog was a good idea, in theory. Now I'm frustrated because I can't get everything to work right. I finally got my Mee done, and she's rocking out a Team Edward shirt, which is a nice bonus. Twitter is a piece of crap... it won't let me update from the phone. I may have to consult tech support Sara on that one. I can't find any cute widgets that I want. Bleh.